A prose, in dedication to all the me's over the last two years...this is for us.
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i am becoming.
a gentler me a wiser me a kinder me a stronger me a happier me a me I am proud of. the girl you see before you she was in heart-ache. 2 years ago, i was the thinnest i ever was, the unhappiest I ever was, the most neurotic I have ever been. i lost my self-worth, esteem and love that once filled up any room/those around me. with much aid from people no longer in my life, i became a shell of unhappiness. time was my biggest advocate, and patience was my saviour. once i cut ties to the anchor that continually made me feel less than and moved forward with myself in mind i felt like i could breath again. i closed the door and ignored any persistent knocks. i continued being honest in my pursuit for me. i gradually took the necessary steps to find my way back. i do believe we grow, each and every day. we are constantly becoming blooming, thriving and surviving turmoil that makes us who we are. with every scar we earn that thick layer of skin that eventually becomes our own armour. progress is not linear. it is erratic and a journey worth travelling. me 2 years ago, would be proud of who i am today. she would be proud for opening my heart again. she would be proud of pursuing my passions without editing myself and without explanation. she would be proud of the present barriers in place and be proud of speaking my truth. i ultimately wish to gain more self-love and confidence back. through healthy changes not through anxiety and depression. i still perceive my weight as a reflection of my worth. i hope in time i will let go of this notion that my body is less than, no matter what weight it is especially at my heavy times. to the girl I once was, i promise to keep making you proud. i will surpass our goals & lead with love. i will be there for others, but most importantly i will never let anyone or thing have power over us again.
I wrote this for the girl who would spend her nights in sorrows. I wrote this for the girl who never thought she would ever be strong again. I wrote this because I did what I thought I couldn't - I overcame. I am a warrior of my past. I am beyond an archetype labelled by others, I am who I endlessly create myself to be. We all have a past that we look back on and this may set off an emotional trigger. There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by anxiety and the overwhelming belief that I was never enough. I tried my best to make those around me believe that I was, but in doing so I lost myself by trying to change the mind of someone who really shouldn't have had a place holder in my life to begin with. It took immense amount of strength and courage to leave that toxicity behind and start a journey of self-reflection and healing. I too know that many people have a story or know someone with a story like mine, which is why I discuss these things. There was a time where I would package up my dark thoughts and hide them away, but over the years of solidifying my wounds, I have decided to speak my truth in honour of who I am and how I got here.
I am happy to report that in these last two years, I have grown. I am stronger and am able to look at that time as a way that paved the road for something more beautiful to come along. I learned what was right and found my new sense of worth. It taught me a lot about my own values and what I believe a relationship should be. This time taught me tolerance and what is important in a partner. It led me to a wonderful person who needs no reminders of how you should be treating someone. It is a fresh breath of air not to distrust someone who is suppose to be your sounding board.
Now, please know, just because I discuss this part of my life doesn't mean that it still affects me. On the contrary, I am at a place in my life where discussing this does not make me fall apart. I only reflect on my past as an attempt to inspire others and to discuss a time where I made my own mistakes for allowing mistreatment to define my worth, something I know many of us have allowed (unfortunately). I forgave myself for letting others treat me as so. I grew tired of reminders, the constant distrust and of comparing myself to women who for the most part of my existence were viewed as my fellow sisters whom I looked up to. In my downwards spiral, I began to lose that kinship with women as I was forced to feel as though I never measured up to some. From dealing with lies, betrayal, deceit, and the games through and through, my mind turned into a black whole of fear and doubt. With each passing day, I gave away pieces of myself with each forgiven action or lack there of, to the point I had nothing left of myself when I mustered up the strength to walk away. Not to mention, the relapse moment when I thought I wasn't worth more so I should try again (no no, find your self worth first before making any rash decisions...trust me). Slow and steady, time was necessary to stand on my newly found ground - and it was liberating. The days became easier to saying no and choosing myself instead. I cut the ties and ignored the half-hearted attempts because I had learned what I was worth and the transparency of its true toxicity. It is always easiest to see it when you are looking in with a new lens. It's very sad to know that a new beginning still started up the same way that mine did - I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is a losing game in comparisons and no one should be treated like a second choice or option which I did for the majority of that time and I would imagine someone else would feel that way too if they found out they were a result of a door closing just days apart.
In this decision to move forward with myself in mind, my erratic journey led me to meet someone who proved what love is meant to be. It took 2 years and counting to set boundaries for myself. I am now able to put my foot down when something feels off. Thankfully, because of my journey and what fate brought me to, my partner has not even once gotten me to that point. Happiness in love is feeling a sense of comfort and security. 2 years ago, I could not have said the same thing.
I am grateful for my never ending journey of self-discovery, of self-love and of becoming.