I find it easier to celebrate others. I find it easiest to make connections with strangers and friends alike. I find it easy for me to share my stories (after years of working through the barriers that kept me silent). I find it liberating to speak my truth. It wasn't always this way. But with time, you can truly accomplish feats you never thought you once could. What's to say changing that way you think about your body can't change too?
Do you find yourself seeking the best in other but not yourself? I do.
Do you find you seek the light in others but feel uncomfortable when others seek that very light in you? I do Do you loath but encourage others not to? I do
Do you never let a compliment go by unheard or unsaid and speak out kindness whenever possible, but can't seem to draw these same lines for yourself? I do Do you love who you are, but this spiritual+mental love is a direct disconnect with your physical body thereby who you are and what holds you together are two different beauties...or so you think? I do
It isn't easy. It really isn't. But it is so worthwhile. How can we love others so deeply, so intently, make these amazing connections and uplift others but leave our whole selves behind in the process. It seems illogical and impossible, but we do it daily. We do rise by lifting others, but imagine how much we could lift when we involve ourselves in that very same love. I am a person motivated by touch, by connection, by storytelling, sharing and loving. My love language balances on the scale of physical touch, acts of service & words of affirmation, therefore these human connections fill my love to the brim. I believe in kindness, generosity and community. I believe in respecting others and being a voice for myself and for my fellow sisters. I believe in leading with love and by always lifting others to see that the ceiling is far below their feet. But, I can only imagine how full I could feel if I contributed to my own self-care through awakening and re-awakening my self-love.
Self love does not equal a perfect narrative of loving every part of yourself in all instances. But rather, it’s definition is ever forgiving. It understands the complexities of the journey. It understands that your language and thoughts will teeter-totter through turmoil and traumas, through menstraul cycles and times of change. In distress, stress and dress we all have versions of self love that can be compromised. Through out my journey, I've always tried to find my way back home to self-love each and every time. Through practice. Through reflection. Through forgiveness. Through community. Through my mediums and modes of loving myself in the process, even on the days my self-love is a deafening silence to my comparison calls. Affirmations have become my guidepost in times of mental distress. Affirming words to and for myself, have been a way to transition between letting go of negative thoughts to bolster positive ones.. In actuality, I repeat the toxic narratives that tend to repeat in my head. The illogical sounding boards that express my fears, insecurities and pain. These are words that I feel do define me. But by expressing affirmations that go against what I first perceive in my mind, I turn my flaws into flaunts. I begin a newfound power source of love and kindness for myself, my body and my journey through the power of language.
My affirmation are as follows:
My 30 lbs do not define me.
They do not reflect a change of heart.
They make my booty fuller and my body softer.
They don’t make me unworthy or less than anyone.
They don’t make me less to love from my partner.
They don’t equal lack of some quality that makes me a lesser human.
I can still feel uncomfortable and want to wear some old favourites without beating myself up for it. I can want to change for myself while feeling good about myself.
I will be active in my pursuit for change. In the pursuit of loving myself through the journey.
I will actively practice self-care and passionate hobbies to make me smile. I will be kind and forgiving to get back to a body I once used to mock. With my new state of mind. I will love my body in 5lbs more or less from now. I will work hard for my body.
I will work hard so that my mind adjusts its expectations to fill my body with love.
I will be more active to reduce my negativity.
I will be more conscious of these thoughts.
I will share with myself what I love about me while making one of them a physical trait.
No matter what.
I will be proud of myself.
My slow but steady journey started all over again by following icons who had bodies like mine, similar to, or even more authentically themselves. Today, these very bodies on my feed come in all forms of beauties, I have even re-followed individuals from before as my comparison trap had begun to leave the markers of my mind (slow but steady my unlearning became my growing). I started having conversations with myself and friends about my ever changing body and those conversations peeled the layer to why I feel the way I feel about my body. I began to fall and pick myself back up. I began to love myself again and again. I reminded myself that the journey of self-love is ever changing and is not always going to leave me practicing what I preach. I began expressing my pain and my admiration for my character. I allowed myself to love me from the inside all the way out, until I started to believe in my worth. I believed my beauty became apart of my ingenuity, my differences, my rigid child-like teeth that sometimes make me feel uncomfortable, or the cellulite that started to develop on my tummy that I never had once before. I started to accept the things that I once really despised and started to make my rolls, cellulite and thunder thighs just aspects that make me imperfectly perfect. There are days where they matter more than I would like them to and days where I pass by a mirror and accept my body through its creation. There are more days in favour of loathing than loving, but again, all apart of the process.
Wanting to change your physical appearance does not mean you do not love-yourself, but the reasoning behind the decision to change and the journey to your destination does. It is a matter of psychological impact.
What language are you feeding your body?
How are you achieving your goals?
What is the reason behind the desire to change? What are your mental practices? Do you feel a thinner you is a more beautiful you?
These are important questions to ask. I know I discuss body love on very polarizing extremes, but I do not fit neatly inside my own confounds. I too am erratic and finding the balance between loving who I was, what I have become and where I want to be is a but a fragile thread tugging in every direction.
I have spoken out about body love in my many years of my blogging. You can find archives of words that boomed on my old Tumblr pages. When I look back at my strength in accepting a number that did fit societal expectations while now confronting the number on the scale that deems me too much, I know my battle for self-love is newly re-wakened.
It won't be pretty,
and I don't want that to be the definition of this journey.